If you don’t already know, my cult is very exclusive. It is only for the insecure, Loners, Social outcast’s and rejects that make up 1/3 of our population today.
We here at Jonathan’s Gate™ think that rejects, social outcast’s, and people who want to die are "incapable of functioning at a human level"- Heavens Gate. We believe that our lives are one big "Video game." Right now, you are only in the first level of this so called "video game." As in any video game, you want to get to the next level as fast as you can.. You see, every time you die, you go on to the next level. My associates and I can help you by killing you and bringing you over to the next level in which others await you.
As for me, I’ll be in Puerto Rico, drinking my martini’s and my Heineken, while you drink your rat poisoning and Clorox bleach. Have a nice Day.
This may sound very tempting and exciting, and you probably can’t wait to join, but there are certain rules you must obey as a member of my cult.
1. You must surrender all your belongings to me, including your house, car, apartment, computer and all other personal belongings.
2. You must smoke a pack of cigarette’s everyday, before you die. If you want, you can exchange two cigarette’s for a joint.
3. You must curse at least once every three sentences, if not more, or your bathroom privileges will be taken away for a week.
4. You must give me all your money.
5. You will only eat one meal of your choice a day. this is to save money for my retirement fund of 256 million dollars.
6. You must trust me.
Now, we the leader’s of Jonathan’s Gate think that you and all the social outcasts are incapable of functioning at a human Level. So what we do here is provide you with security about you and your decision to join our cult. We then will try to loosen you up and make you give us all your money and then finally commit suicide.

Our mission on Earth

200 million years ago, our space ship dropped us off in this disgusting Hell hole called earth. They told us to study humans for a couple million years and said that they’d be back before we knew it. We have studied you humans for years and have concluded that you humans are really stupid. That is why, when the Bale hop comet comes around, it will beam us up to the mother ship, while releasing huge space crafts to destroy you guys.
The day of this extermination is at hand. In just a few weeks, you will see the destruction of this earth. If you would like to be one of the elite that will not be killed, then join our cult. It will be a long and painful period of sex and drugs, but after the classes are all over, you will have the privelege of killing yourself. Then you will be beamed up to the mother ship where you will see the destruction of the earth from a birds eye view.

Disclaimer

Surgeon Generals Warning: If any of the above information is consumed, it may lead to a loss of friendships, family members, People you love and of course loss of self respect. Oh yeah, it may kill you too.

This site is constantly under construction, so you might see some stuff that's kinda screwed up or something. Don't worry, I'll fix that.

This is my banner. If you want, you can use this to link your website to mine. The image is located at http://skyscraper.fortunecity.com/calc/119/jonbanner.gif


TimeHourMinSec
This page has been visited times.